Warp Weapons

Story: Strange New Worlds
Written By: Akiva Goldsman
Series: Star Trek: Strange New Worlds

Year: 2022

It's been a while since I was in the modern Trek world.  When I wrapped up Picard, I thought I might dive into Strange New Worlds, but I thought I'd take a little break first.  It ended up being quite a long break, because I just would rather watch like...good stuff?  Like there are plenty of classic films I still have yet to see, good TV shows I'd rather watch or even rewatch.  Since I started my "little break" I have instead watched a bunch of classic 70s movies, rewatched the TOS crew films...and the idea of returning to the Kurtsman era Trek with it's terrible dialogue and over reliance on flashy effects over story.  I just wasn't prepared.  So what made me finally dive in and give another Kurtzman show a shot?  Well...to be snarky with my brother I guess.  He started to watch it and had complaints and I decided I should watch it so we could bitch about it together.  

So...let's do this, I guess.  Pike is on Earth, in his snowy cabin in Montana hanging out with what appears to be his teenage girlfriend who is also a Captain.  Oh crap I am complaining already?  Anyhow, he is reluctant to return to duty, might want to just wallow in sadness based on what he learned about his future in Discovery.  But he is called back to duty on a mission he can't really refuse. It seems his Number One (or Una Chin-Riley as she is named in this show) has gotten herself into a bit of trouble. She was commanding some ship for a first contact and they've lost contact.  So Enterprise is sent on a rescue mission and when they get there we discover that only 3 people were on Una's ship and all were apparently captured and also instead of having developed warp drive this planet has developed a warp weapon! 

This episode introduces us to our main cast of characters for this show and I have some issues right off the bat.  I really like Anson Mount as Pike and Ethan Peck as Spock.  Based on the brevity of her performance both on Discovery and in this pilot, I do happen to like Romijn as Number One.  But our secondary characters are not great.  Dr. M'Benga is decent but I don't understand why this guy was apparently the Enterprise's Chief Medical Officer and then eventually works under McCoy?  Okay whatever skip that and move on, his Nurse is Baby Chapel and I hate her.  She doesn't seem in any way like the character we know from TOS and why should she...she is basically a brand new character and therefore pointless to have here...just make a new character!  Oh and Baby Uhura is also on the ship.  Why make new characters when you can create new character but just force everyone to pretend they are the same person we already know.  She doesn't seem at all like Uhura but whatever! It doesn't matter! But hey we also have a brand new character who is La'an Noonien-Singh...a character with a pointless connection to Khan because KHAN! I mean everyone knows Khan is the Darth Vader of the Star Trek universe, and if we can't tie in a new Trek to that character than what is even the point of making new Trek.  God I am so fucking sick of Khan. Luckily she is also an awful character who despite being what appears to be a teenager who has crazy ideas, Pike will just listen to her because apparently she is the Captain now.  

Ugh.  Okay...so Pike, Spock, and La'an disguise themselves as the aliens of the planet to mount a rescue mission.  The successfully rescue the trio trapped on the ground but discover that the warp technology they've surprisingly developed so early and have made int oa weapon was created by them when they saw the Discovery travelling to the future through a telescope. You know how you look through a telescope and see something crazy and what appears to be a spaceship and you are like "oh I know how to make this now!"  That is...umm...fucking stupid.  Pike sends everyone but Spock back to the Enterprise and decides that it is sort of their fault (??) that they have warp technology and may now blow themselves up with it, he has to do something.  They try to negotiate with those who created the weapon but when it seems almost fruitless, he decides he has to wave his big stick around and shows them the Enterprise and that if they don't try and negotiate peace he will use his weapon.  Their negotiations struggle until Pike gives them an impassioned speech about how Earth nearly destroyed itself and they can do better.  

I think this had potential that is just so wasted. The idea of coming to make first contact because a race developed warp technology but that they are using it for a weapon and not a drive system is a neat concept, but the execution is so messy and bad. First, why bring Discovery into it at all? They made a big pointless show of being like "that shit is super classified, we all have to pretend those two seasons didn't happen!" but then they use it as the basis of a pilot which will alienate anyone who hasn't watched Disco, and really...why watch Disco's first two seasons at all if you don't have to? And the idea that they were able to build warp drive just by looking through a telescope at a ship from lightyears away is madness. Lastly, why would you need warp technology to blow up your enemies on the other side of the same planet? How big is this planet? 

Here's what they should have done.  Two planets in the same solar system that have long been at war with one another.  There biggest issue is weapons of mass destruction have been difficult to hurl from one planet to the other. They are now developing warp technology as a way to more efficiently send their weapons of mass destruction at one another.  They have developed warp technology, but could destroy each other in the process...can the Enterprise broker a peace?  I mean I think the idea of developing warp but not in the usual way is a good concept, it just makes no sense they way they did it.  But hey, when you have the screenwriter of "Batman & Robin" on the case, you are bound to get great results!

Another terrible sequence in this thing involved La'an getting two people knocked out so they can steal their IDs and clothes and gain better access for the rescue, and she is like "just beam them to the ship and sedate them" and Pike is like "that seems like a dangerous plan" and she is like "shut up idiot and do it" and he is like "duh...okay!" and then they are beamed to the ship and they struggle to sedate them and they didn't even lock the sickbay doors so one easily escapes and a chase ensues...and all the extras who work on this ship just ignore a guy who obviously needs to be stopped and let him keep going.  What the hell was the point of any of this?  

When it was announced, I tried to have some positivity for Strange New Worlds, but when they did that initial cast announcement, I found the reliance on old characters and a damned connection to Khan to make my interest wane.  I heard it was good and so I kept thinking "oh I'll get to it eventually!" but man now that I have it is off to a terrible start. I hate that the entire Enterprise is staffed by children, that everyone talks like a teenager instead of professional well trained highly evolved adult humans.  The writers of modern Trek are so concerned with making Trek seem "cool and radical!" that it stops feeling like Star Trek. And the ironic thing is that none of it actually feels cool, it feels like 60 year old writers idea of what the kids think is cool. It therefore alienates old fans like me and doesn't even bring in the new hip young audience they are hoping for! Way to go guys!

Maybe it gets better?

NEXT TIME: Shepherds of the Comet